The teacher gives his students something to write. Dicky refuses.
“The only excuse for not writing is fr you to have a serious illness,” the teacher tells Dicky.
“What about sexual exhaustion?”
The teacher looks at Dicky for a few moments, then tells him:
“That’s no excuse, you can use the other hand!”
At the FBI is organized a briefing about hijacked planes. In the break the agents are talking:
“This is impossible!” one of them said. “You can’t make a plane disappear. You can’t take it with you. It doesn’t fit in the pocket, you just saw how big it is! And you can’t put it in the bag…”
“You are so stupid!” another said. “A plane can’t be hijacked as long as it’s on the ground.”
“And then where?” the first said.
“Well, just in the air. You just saw how small it’s up there…”
Dozens of CIA agents have complained lately about the deplorable state of the press and say the covered journalists with whom they work have come to give them too many opinions and a few pieces of information.
“If we don’t find urgently good journalists, we will turn ourselves into the Central Opinion Agency… because that’s what we get. Comments and remarks about what president Trump said at Fox News. This is not press in the service of secret services… The true press in the service of secret services is different!” declared us under the protection of anonymity a CIA agent dressed in a tree.
Agents complain that they have not been reading a decent report for a long time, an investigation or at least an interview. For this reason, they feel less and less informed and fear that they will soon be no longer interested in the political realities in the country.
“It’s terrible what’s going on! Nothing is more dangerous for democracy than those people who are cheating on the elections to cheat on them unknowingly after they were manipulated by the news televisions,” the agent dressed in a tree told us again, explained that he was rushing because he has to meet an agent dressed in a dog that should be helped to piss.
SOURCE: Catavencii– adapted
A guy returns home from a poker game. His wife is waiting for him with the sweep in front of the door.
“Where have you been before, bastard ?”
“Dear, you have to pack your luggage quickly. I lost you in poker !”
‘How did you do that, fool ?”
“Honestly, it wasn’t easy at all. I throw the cards, even though I had a Royal Flash…”
Two explorers were captured by cannibals in the jungle. They put them in a cauldron and then started to play the drums.
“Do you play drums because you are glad you are gonna eat us?” one of the explorers asks.
“No, but we noticed that we no longer have water for the soup.”
“Do you play drums to bring the rain?”
“No way! We call the plumber…”
1. On the first day, God created the sky and the Earth. For the administrative reasons, he created the whole Earth in one place to be able to master it better and depends on only the Republicans, which He knew better.
The land was empty and not leased. It was full of weeds because people were at the bar and did not work. God told people that it could not be so, that it was a sin, but people explained why they could not work: there was no light day and night. Then God said: “Let there be light !”
“But not too much !” people who already went to bed said.
2. On the second day, God created the sky; so that He could fly the helicopter when the road was crowded.
3. On the third day, God separated the land from the waters and suddenly He could sail the yacht.
4. On the fourth day, God created the lights: the Sun, the stars and the light on Trump Tower.
5. On the fifth day, God wanted to go fishing, but the waters had so much fish in them as a Whisky bottle. Then he created fish and some birds, so the fishermen can look at something until a fish is caught.
6. On the sixth day, God wanted to make his pig farm in the Trump Tower, but the rooms were empty and the butchers were blowing with the knives because they had nothing to stab. So God created the animals of the Earth and at the end of the day even the man because it was hard for the pigs to stab themselves.
7. On the seventh day, God rested, which was an easy thing to do when the FBI did not follow him…
SOURCE: Catavencii – adapted
A guy returns home and finds his wife in bed with their godfather.
“How could you do that, bitch?”
“Listen here! Did you buy meat ?”
“No.”
“Did you buy drinks?”
“No.”
“Did you buy coffee?”
“No.”
“And then what would you want me to serve the godfather?”
A chimpanzee and a baboon have seated next to each other during a service in a church.
The pastor said: “Turn to your neighbors and say they are beautiful and adorably created by God !”.
The chimpanzee looks at the baboon for a moment, then laughs out loud and tells the pastor: “Tell him yourself, I don’t want to lie in church !”.
A guy was driving his car at high speed on the highway. At one point he sees a police car following him. He thinks: “I have a good car, so I can disappear”.
He accelerates and a crazy race begins.
When the speedometer reaches the maximum, seeing he cannot get rid of the police, he stops the car on the side of the road.
The policeman approaches the guy’s car and says:
“Listen to me, Speedy Gonzales ! Show a good excuse for me not to arrest you.”
The guy thinks for a moment and then responds:
“Three weeks ago my wife left me for a policeman. When I saw you behind me, I thought you wanted to bring her back to me !”
HYPERBOLA 